After Intervarsity last night, I walked away knowing that I needed to fix a few things in order to fully move forward in my relationship with God and Cullen. We had a short lecture series on “Godly relationships” and how they kind of work out. A lot of it is taking our own burdens to the cross, and not relying on our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend etc to pull out those burdens for us.
It is our responsibility to pinpoint the root of our problems and to again offer it up to the Cross. So I sat in prayer for a very long while. I had asked God to kind of reveal to me what it is that I’ve been struggling with, what on the internal level has caused me to act in a certain way on the external level.
He did in fact reveal to me my burdens, my own weakened flesh. In my dream it dealt with my older cousin, Timothy. Timothy had lashed out at me in some way and I had blurted out years of secrets in front of him and his wife. I held no words back, I described the situations clearly and watched his wife’s face distort in disgust for him and inside me…was joy.
But it was wrong of me. I had told myself, and I had believed that I have forgiven him for the past and for all the brokenness he has caused me. Instead God has pulled out of me what I truly was struggling with and how I still hold it in contempt. It was wacky, let me tell you. Awakening from what I know I held in the depths of my own heart, my own flesh to realize that it is God telling me this…this is something I need to change.
So I’ll probably spend a lot of time tonight trying to change not only the condition of my heart, but the condition of my flesh. I ask all of you guys to really pray for me, please. A change of heart cannot be done alone, and I’ll need a lot of God’s intervening to break away at the harden parts of my life to bring me back anew.
(via thingssheloves)
